


The Self-Indulgent Inquisitor

by BarbMacK



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Idiots in Love, Multiple Inquisitors, Self-Aware (ish) Character, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-26 20:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15008519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarbMacK/pseuds/BarbMacK
Summary: “I’m Evelyn Ellana,” she spoke, the two names colliding in her mind though coming out one after the other, much to both women’s mild confusion.Ellana, as she likes to be called, was the Inquisitor.  Four times that she recalls.  And maybe a couple of other people along the way, that's a little foggier.  She's never had memories of past lives before now, which is a bit of a nuisance giventhistime sheisn'tthe Inquisitor...or anyone really.  But even though she isn't, and part of her wants to get back to her world (the last one, unfinished as it was), she will do anything to help her friends and family, no matter the cost.This is probably the closest I'll get to a modern day person in DA type story.  Even though character still isn't aware of it as a game (and never will be), I kind of think of this as a version of the game where the player was a completionist and really into all aspects of the story, played it through 3 times and was was part way through the 4th when a completely different person starts a new game with a completely new 5th Inquisitor, the 4th dropping in unceremoniously.





	1. Through the Rift

It wasn’t the first time she’d fallen through a rift. Quite the opposite really. There were a few obvious, and critical difference this time however. The first, most obvious but only observed later, being she didn’t have the Anchor on her hand. The second, and immediately unmistakable, being she’d always landed on solid ground in the past. Not, as was painfully obvious this time, on top of a rage demon.

She hadn’t even been truly aware of her fire resistances in the past, or the difference even her most simple leather armour had made. The simple clothes she wore now however were absolutely no match, quickly catching and engulfing her legs in searing pain.

She couldn’t even roll to try extinguish the flames since, having fallen off the rage demon, she was now in its wake where the earth still burned. She had no sooner cried out in agony than both she and the rage demon were engulfed in ice. On one hand, at least she was no longer on fire. On the other, this was ridiculous.

She was the Inquisitor, leader of the Inquisition…wasn’t she? Even as she had the thought, it was as though multiple lifetimes passed before her eyes. A Dalish mage, a noble rogue, a Dalish warrior…and half a life as a noble Tranquil? They were the freshest, the hardest to bare, so it was easy to ignore the other two for now.

And then all thoughts of being Inquisitor were blown away as the demon collapsed in front of her and a tell-tale tendril of green came from somewhere behind it. She knew the sound so well that even though she couldn’t move to look up, she knew the rift above her had just been pulled closed.

The ice around her thawed, but she was still freezing, unable to stop her body from shivering violently. It was with great relief that she recognized the man trotting towards her, though he didn’t appear as happy to see her.

“Hold up, we have a survivor over here,” Varric called over his shoulder. Glancing behind him, he shook his head grumbling, “No, it’s fine I’ll take care of it, you go on ahead without me.” Turning back to face her, he tried to put on a slightly more reassuring face. “Hey there champ, how you holding up?”

“V-v-v,“ she tried to get his name out, but the shivering was too much.

“Very cold, straight to the point. I can work with that,” he said, pulling his pack around and finding a blanket within it. He pulled it around her tightly before holding a healing potion to her lips. “This…won’t fix everything,” he said with a subconscious glance to her legs, “but it should help…at least until we get back to Haven.”

She choked on the last of the potion. “Haven?” she spluttered.

He cocked a brow at her. “Yeah. That’s where we’re headed. We’ll get you to a healer first, then people may have some questions for you.” He looked her over for a long moment. “You may want to come up with a story on the way,” he told her.

If they had been headed anywhere but Haven, she felt she could have managed a smile. He didn’t know her, but he saw something in her, something that wanted her to get past…oh Maker, what was she supposed to say to Cassandra and Leliana? It wasn’t like she could prove her worth by helping close the Breach.

And then another horrifying thought. How long would it be until they would close the Breach and Haven would fall?

~~~

“Just let me speak to Lel for a moment would you,” she growled, trying to hobble her way from Adan’s home to the small tent where she knew Leliana would be.

He glared at her fiercely, both trying to holt her progress while also not wanting to manhandle her and thus be forced to reapply her bandages…again. “You may speak with whomever you wish once you’ve taken time to rest and _heal_!” he growled back at her. “As I’ve already told you, we don’t have Elfroot to spare. Given the extent of your injuries---”

“Yes, yes, no healing for days, maybe weeks. Need to talk to Lel _now_ ,” she reiterated. She didn’t need him to tell her that her legs needed time to heal. She could _feel_ the damage with every step. She was in a cold sweat already and she’d walked for barely a couple of minutes, the few steps she’d walked up making her legs burn and nearly buckle beneath her.

But this wasn’t her world, this wasn’t her Inquisition, and Maker if Adan thought it would take more than a week for her legs to heal even if they had the supplies to spare, then she wasn’t surviving the trip to Skyhold. All she had left was saving as many people in Haven, as many of her friends as she could, if only to witness as little death and destruction as possible in her last hours. She gritted her teeth and forced herself to not look to her left, where even from here she could hear the soldiers training. That was a place best left untouched.

Leliana looked up surprised as she came to a halt at the entrance of her tent, panting a little as she placed her hand on the pole there, resting her forehead on it to try cool it a little.

“Sister Leliana, perhaps you can speak sense into the---” he cut himself off before saying the word ‘prisoner’. She knew that’s what she was, even if they hadn’t had time to question her as yet. At this very moment, Cassandra, Sera, Vivienne and the Herald were on their way to close the Breach. They didn’t have time to determine her innocence or guilt, and she didn’t have time to spare herself.

“Lel,” she took a breath, trying to not flinch back at the cold look the nickname received. This wasn’t personal, Leliana just didn’t know her. “Sister Leliana, I must speak with you…privately preferably,” she glanced towards the healer.

He gave her a suspicious look before turning back to Leliana. Leliana just waved him away. It’s not like she could be considered even a marginal threat given her condition and Leliana’s skills.

Once he left, Leliana leaned against her desk, crossing her arms as she indicated the unknown woman should take her chair.

She would have preferred to stand, and would probably have insisted, had her legs not already been jelly and threatening to collapse beneath her.

“We have not yet been formally introduced, though clearly you know who I am,” Leliana began, her tone formal yet lulling, a voice she often used to goad information out without obvious pressure. The question didn’t even need to be spoken to be understood.

“I’m Evelyn Ellana,” she spoke, the two names colliding in her mind though coming out one after the other, much to both women’s mild confusion.

“Evelyn Ellana? That’s…an unusual name. May---”

“I’m sorry Lel…Sister Leliana. At another time I would gladly answer all your questions, but we don’t have the time…except I do need you to trust me implicitly,” she said the last as she realized it. This wasn’t her dear friend Lel who she could discuss anything and know the other woman would understand and wouldn’t question the honesty of whatever she may say. Instead she was a complete stranger, talking to someone whose job it was to not trust strangers.

“Okay, small steps,” she licked her lips. “Please call me Ellana, I’d prefer not to be called Evelyn at the moment…I’m…Oh Maker how to explain this,” she puffed out a breath. “Alright, if you were _my_ Leliana, you’d trust me, so I’m going to act as though that’s who you are.”

Leliana’s face barely changed, but Ellana knew it was that of surprise well hidden.

“This isn’t my world, that is it is but…wait, you sided with the Mages right?” she asked as it occurred to her, to which she received only a small nod. “Then it’s almost like Redcliff, but instead of going forward or back, it was like a sideways jump…well forward and sideways…or is it back and sideways? Either way, my world is so like this world in every way…well except the somewhat vain sounding part in that I’m the Herald in my world.”

This time the surprise wasn’t as well hidden.

“I know it sounds crazy, but in my world you and I are friends, great friends even…and I’m also a lot further through fighting Corypheus than you.”

“Coryhpeus?” Leliana asked.

Shit. “Oh right…umm yes, you’ll be finding that out later today. Sorry.” Shit, shit, shit. “Look, to be frank I’m not likely to survive very long here, not with these injuries, not now. All I want is to help as many people escape Haven as possible, and I need your help to do that.”

“You can understand why---”

“Yes, I could be a spy or…no I don’t really know what else. I always left dealing with this sort of thing up to you,” Ellana frowned. She took a deep breath not sure this would end with Leliana trusting her or locking her away in a cell somewhere. “You once told me your whole life changed through finding a white rose on a dead bush...you even let me know some had questioned you whether it was real or made up. I still believe what I did then – whether it happened or not doesn’t matter, your belief in it changed your life, I think for the better. Your beliefs are the most precious thing to you, and they are what help guide you to change the world.”

Leliana just stared at her for a long time, so long in fact that Ellana balled her hands into fists and bit her cheek to stop herself from moving or speaking until the Spymaster was ready. Her heart was pounding so loudly she wasn’t even sure she would hear Leliana speak over it.

And then she did. “What must be done?”

Ellana was suddenly lightheaded with giddiness and had to forcefully stop herself from jumping up and hugging the other woman, though words tumbled from her lips as she swiped away tears of joy, “Oh I do love you, Lel,” which earned a raised brow.

Taking a few deep breaths to calm down and collect her thoughts, no easy feat at the moment. “Right, you’ve called in your agents, right?”

Leliana tilted her head, somewhat beyond being surprised at this point.

“Right…good. That was the right thing to do by the way,” she added, remembering the talk they would have later…that Leliana would still have with this world’s Inquisitor later. “Your agents are our people. Their lives are worth more than a small window of time that wouldn’t have helped us anyway.” She tapped the arm of the chair.

“We can’t have panic spread…trebuchets, villagers, supplies, Chantry,” she listed off the things in her head aloud. “First tell Cu…Commander Rutherford we’ll be doing trebuchet training tomorrow all going well. Maker knows he obsesses with recalibrating them enough, he’ll jump at the excuse to use them." She didn’t meet Leliana’s eyes just then, knowing she had caught the slip in the name. "Tell him it’ll be a good way for the soldiers here to keep their mind off what’s going on at the Temple. They can prepare all the ammunition, stockpile it close to the trebuchets ready for ‘the morning’.”

To her credit, Leliana immediately penned a message and signalled one of her messengers to take it for her. “What else?” she asked.

~~~

Ellana lay back with a sigh of contentment in her cot set up in the Chantry, much to Adan’s relief.

“Finally,” he gave a half-reprimand, though eased by the mug of ale he held. “It’ll be a few days before you _should_ be up and walking properly, if we can send someone out to collect some Elfroot and other bits and pieces. But you’ve got a nice spot here to enjoy the celebrations from,” he told her.

She smiled and nodded, trying not to think too hard on the next few days.

She’d worked with Leliana on all the details for the afternoon. They had asked that the different crafters and such pack away their key supplies and load them into the prepared wagon near the Chantry ‘in case the worst should occur’. They’d also prepared for the celebration for ‘if’ the Breach was closed, and how to spread word that the Herald wanted them to all celebrate together in the Chantry, being the biggest building in Haven. To that end, it was easy to gather food and drink supplies, and no one would know a large portion of them were packed away in other wagons, ready for the journey ahead.

In this way they would have everyone together in one place when Corypheus’ army was spotted. It would take little to round up stragglers when the Dragon took flight, and with key supplies already packed away, no need to race around collecting anything.

It was all they could do for the time being. Ellana had never seen the path Roderick would take them down, she wasn’t even sure where it began except somewhere toward the back of the Chantry, so they would just have to wait for him to have his turning moment.

All preparations complete, Leliana suggested letting the other advisors know, since the Herald and company were still making their way to the Breach. Ellana advised against it but let Leliana have the final say. They thought it best, all things considered, to just describe Ellana as one of Leliana’s agents who had returned from discovering the army on the way. Leliana for her part, would say the rest of the plans were her way of making the best of a bad situation.

_Josie took it well, and even understood they didn’t have time for her to contact nearby allies, since none would even receive word in time left let alone be able to act before Haven was taken._

_But of course, Cullen was not as compliant. “Had you told me sooner, my men could have beat them on the pass,” he growled._

“ _No, they couldn’t,” Ellana spoke, the first words she’d said to him the whole meeting. She couldn’t properly look at him, couldn’t stop her heart from racing or her hands from tingling at his closeness, but had to ignore all of that for his own good._

_In turn, he glared back at her. “You don’t know---”_

“ _Yes, I do,” she countered before he got it out in her haste to have this conversation over._

“ _Well if not that, we could---”_

“ _ **No**_ _, we_ _ **couldn’t**_ _,” she said again._

“ _You expect me to believe our_ _ **only**_ _option is to sit back and let this Corypheus defeat us?” he spat back._

“ _He doesn’t defeat us! Yes, we lose Haven, but he loses some of his forces too. He also loses the Breach, so all things considered, it’s a stalemate of a battle, but we go on to fight another day, stronger than before,” she replied._

“ _For someone who speaks highly of our forces, you certainly don’t act like you think highly of them.”_

_He was angry, she knew that even before he started the argument. It was somewhere between not telling him earlier so he had a chance to come up with a plan, and his forces being held back, not attacking the oncoming enemy. Ironically enough, her part in it was insubstantial in his annoyance, but that in itself was infuriating to her. Were she the Herald, this wouldn’t even be a discussion. That it was all for their own good just fuelled her own annoyance._

_There was a short silence before he said, “We could try---”_

_And those few words were the last straw. “Maker damn it Cullen, we can’t defeat a fucking archdemon!” She hadn’t realized she’d jumped to her feet, hands slapping on the War Table before she spoke. Her one redeeming thought was at least she’d managed to keep her voice down despite her rage._

_But in the silence that followed her statement, she felt the colour drain from her face, noticed the weakness in her legs and remembered why she and Leliana had thought it best not to mention the archdemon. It would be bad enough facing it when it happened, let alone having to think about it unnecessarily for hours beforehand._

“ _An archdemon?” Josie gasped into the silence._

_Ellana whipped away from the table, quickly shooting an apologetic look at Leliana. Again to her credit, the older woman just gave a small shake of her head, ‘It’s okay, there was no getting around it,’ the look seemed to imply._

_Ellana moved to the small window, looking out and trying to not see anything, wanting to see neither Haven as it was now nor how it would be later that night. She lost focus in the conversation behind her, letting Leliana quell Josie’s fear and sooth Cullen’s anger. A distinct clearing of a throat brought her back to the conversation._

“ _Right, thank you for your efforts…” Cullen trailed off, realizing a moment too late that he didn’t know her name._

_She simply nodded, it didn’t matter._

_He turned to Josie and Leliana. “To work?” And the familiarity of his phrase was so comforting it brought a smile to all three women’s faces._

So here she sat and watched the people of Haven, these few men and women who didn’t know yet that they would soon be the beginning of a much bigger whole. It surprised her how many faces were still familiar. She couldn’t tell you most of their names, but she knew she had seen them often both in Haven and later at Skyhold.

What she wouldn’t give to be in Skyhold now, lying in bed, looking up at the millions of stars above her.

“Thinking on happier times?” Leliana’s soft voice broke her from her daydream.

She smiled at one of her dearest friends. “Something like that,” she murmured. She noticed the small box in Leliana’s hands and knew this was the reason she’d chosen Leliana over all the others. This was something Leliana could understand better than the others could. That she could look at, some might say coldly or cruelly, and see the best course of action for what it was. She took the box, placing it on her lap, her hands folded across it. “Thank you,” she said softly.

Leliana sat down on the edge of the cot. “In your world…are we really so close friends as you say?” she asked almost hesitantly.

Ellana beamed at her, “Oh Maker yes! You’ll see. When you reach…where you’re going,” she quickly changed her words. They’d agreed earlier that it may be better Leliana didn’t know too much. “The number of hours we spent gossiping in my room. Sometimes Josie would bring one of her Antivan bottles of whatever they were. Oh, there were mornings I swore C…the Commander requested early morning meetings just to torment us…or as a revenge for not being invited…now that I think of it,” she added, having not considered the latter before.

She giggled softly. “You were even the one who helped me have the trellises alongside my balcony set up.” At Leliana’s confused look she added, “It made sneaking around so much easier.”

“I think our Herald is not like you,” Leliana said gently.

“Oh, she may not be now, but just wait Lel. You’ll be fast friends, I promise.”

Leliana raised a brow at this but made no comment on it. “If you like, I can ask Josie if we could open one of those Antivan bottles, just for your old times sake?”

~~~

They did share a couple of glasses from one of the bottles. Despite what was to come all too soon now, the three did manage to share a few stories and a few giggles. The time went too quickly, and all too soon a messenger came from Cullen to say the army had been spotted.

Everything happened faster then, probably because she was a little tipsy, though her injuries and lack of healing time probably helped.

The trebuchets were fired much sooner, but they’d followed Cullen’s suggestion to use only the one and not draw attention to the other. It worked, so when the dragon did strike, the second trebuchet was still ready to go.

Ellana saw the large brimmed hat enter the Chantry that marked Cole’s arrival. She knew it wouldn’t be long now before Roderick would have his moment.

For his part, Roderick had faired much the same as he always did. He hadn’t wanted to take part in the celebrations, and so was still in his home when the attacks started, still managing to get attacked by a few stray Templars that had snuck in before the rest of the army’s approach.

In this way she felt his fate was inevitable. Maybe he would never help them if he wasn’t about to die, and so his death was necessary for them to survive?

Either way, he had passed on the information now, and Cullen already had everyone moving before he went back to speak to the Herald.

At this rate they’ll be past the treeline before Corypheus even reaches Haven, Ellana thought with only a hint of bitterness, remembering how long time seemed to stretch waiting for that signal flare.

Her cot had been in view of the celebrations, but still just out of the way enough that no one paid her any mind as they quickly made their way to the path. She knew they were much better organized than before. For a start everyone was through and Cullen hadn’t been by yet. She always remembered him having to herd stragglers as she left the Chantry to face Corypheus, so to this end, her plan had succeeded. Her family were better off, if only a little than had she not been here and she hadn’t needed to watch them be hurt or some killed.

Ellana settled herself more comfortably in the cot, resting her head on the wall behind her. Looking down, she finally opened the small box Leliana had given her earlier. There were just three small vials in it, but that should be more than enough for her purpose.

There was no point trying to fool herself, she hated the burns, hated that they meant she wouldn’t see Skyhold one last time. As extra prepared as they may have been, Ellana knew not everyone that made it out of Haven would make it Skyhold. They had done their best every time, but there were always losses, always those that couldn’t survive the journey. Hopefully the extra time and the extra supplies would make the journey easier, but she wouldn’t put anyone else at risk just so she, the cripple she now was, could see her home once more. It didn’t feel right, especially since this wasn’t her world, she couldn’t put herself above anyone here since they belonged and she did not.

Her plan was to wait until after Haven was buried to drink the first vial.

She was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of shuffling feet. Looking up, she found herself face to face with Cullen, and of course he didn’t look happy to see her.

“What are you still doing here?” he asked, none too pleased.

She stared at him in silence which was suddenly broken by Cole, who was shuffling his feet beside Cullen.

“Vials to help her sleep, the cold will take care of the rest.”


	2. Chapter 2

Cullen no longer looked angry so much as enraged. He took one quick glance at the box in her hand before returning the full weight of his glare on her. “What are you still doing here?” he asked her again, though his voice was harsher this time. “Earlier you said we lose Haven, but we go on to fight another day, stronger than before. And on the very same day you decide what, to curl up and die in what will soon be an abandoned frozen Chantry?”

She swallowed, licking suddenly dry lips. “It’s…easier this way,” she said softly.

“Easier?!?” he demanded.

“So far to travel, so many others deserving aid, a cripple can’t survive the cold,” Cole murmured.

“Cole, sweetie, please don’t,” she told him softly, her eyes brimming with tears.

Cullen turned from her to Cole and back again. “You’re hardly a cripple,” he growled.

She scoffed at that. “I really am.”

“Get up,” he told her. When she made no move, his voice changed to his most stern, mid-battle ordering tone, “Get up!”

“I can’t!” she snapped back. “Maker would you just go already.”

That took him by surprise, and not just because it had been a very long time since someone had not followed his orders.

She sighed, placing the box gently on the floor beside her before pulling aside the blankets over her legs. She then pulled up one of her trouser legs just far enough for the bandaging below to be seen. “Rage demon, earlier today. We don’t have the supplies to heal them and I can’t walk without them,” she told him, feeling very small and vulnerable in front of him now.

He glared at her. “You helped organize how many wagons of supplies, and you didn’t think for a moment you could maybe sit on one of those wagons?”

“How many people were in Haven, Commander? Those wagons are for them. I’m not stealing a spot from---”

“Maker it’s not stealing! You need the space---”

“I’m not taking it from someone else who deserves it more! Now bugger off! You’re wasting all the time I bought you!” She turned away from him then, refusing to even look at him as he went.

Which was why it took her by complete surprise when he lifted her bodily into his arms and proceeded to carry her out the Chantry. “Cole, take the vials. If she puts up a fight we can just force feed her one and she can sleep it off in one of the wagons,” he growled, more for her benefit.

“It burns, not on the outside, but from within---”

“Cole!” they snapped in unison, only meeting each other’s eye for a second of shared suffering grin before remembering they were angry with each other and looking away again.

~~~

The problem was it did burn on the outside as well as in. Cullen couldn’t simply carry her without her legs rubbing to the point of pain. The alternative was far worse as he wrapped her arm around his shoulder, holding her hand tightly between his and his fur mantle, his other hand tight around her waist, bringing their bodies flush together into a position of almost too intense an intimacy for her, and she knew he was all but carrying her in this new position, her feet only barely tracing the ground.

And it didn’t help that she had been right about the wagons. They set themselves a very fast pace to catch up with the others, and every available space on the wagons that could be used was already taken by either those too young or old to walk, or that had been injured in earlier battles.

“I could have been sleeping comfortably in a nice warm bed, but instead now have to wait for you to stop being bull headed and realize you can’t carry me the whole way, at which point I get to freeze to death…in the freezing cold!” she seethed quietly at him, not wanting to draw the attention of those around them.

“You would have frozen to death in that nice bed of yours, what difference does it make if it’s back there or out here?” he hissed back.

“Because back there I would’ve slept through the cold part! Here I will have to feel every part of me freeze before I die. If I have to die, I’d prefer to not have to feel it.”

“You’re not going to die,” he snapped back.

“Andraste’s ass your head is thicker than your armour,” she glowered.

He breathed out heavily through his nose, “Mind your tongue.”

She rolled her eyes at that. “Brute,” she murmured.

“Ingrate,” he returned.

“Masochist.”

“Sadist.”

“Arse.”

He just hmphed at that, and she gave a small squeal of victory. He shook his head at her but couldn’t hide his smile.

~~~

And so the journey went on. Cullen thought maybe she’d been right about how bad her condition was based on her mental state. She clearly didn’t like the long silences, but more often than not would either start off a story with ‘Do you remember the time when,’ and then trail off as she realized she wasn’t talking to whomever she thought she had been, or ‘Oh there was this one time when,’ and again trail off, sometimes with the hint of a name coming up before she cut herself off.

Every so often they’d fall into a round of insulting each other until she invariably called him something he was unwilling to do worse than, and she would take this as her victory, much to his combined chagrin and amusement. She didn't seem to be aware that he considered it his own victory given that it took her mind off her 'inevitable death'.

On the second night the group had made a makeshift camp under a massive overhanging rock. Most had gone to sleep already to make the most of the break, but a few of them were left sitting around the fire.

Ellana was rubbing her side where Cullen’s hand usually held her to him. “Andraste’s ungrateful husband, I think the bruise is getting worse,” she declared, having already complained to him that his grip had caused a bruise earlier in the day.

“Foul mouth,” he retorted without thinking, immediately going into name calling to stop her from moving complaints into why he should have left her behind once again.

She rolled her eyes at him, “Sheltered ears.”

“Whinger.”

“Whiner.”

“Ingrate.”

“You’re not allowed to use the same name twice.”  
  
“Since when?” he demanded.

“Since always, it’s no fun if you just recycle the same names over again.”

He sighed as though thoroughly put upon by her demands. “Fine, worst storyteller.”

“Oy! I’m a fantastic storyteller thank you very much!”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve heard the same opening line at least a dozen times and nothing more.”

She glared at him for a long moment before looking around the group settled at the fire. He was genuinely surprised she seemed to actually have taken the insult to heart. He was about to try take it back, or call her something else, when she suddenly grinned.

“Alright, so there was this one time when I was on a job with a Qunari,” she began.

Even this was further than she normally got, so she had Cullen’s undivided attention.

And The Iron Bull’s too as the Qunari across the fire looked over at her. “You work with Qunari often?”

She nodded, before tilting her head slightly. “Well one in particular for a long time. I’ve worked with a few others over the years, but this guy was by far the best I’ve met.”

“Present company excluded,” Bull added.

“Of course,” she gave him an easy grin before continuing, “Another guy we were working with had asked him if he’d actually, you know, charged an enemy which he had, but it hadn’t gone well.”

“I’ve been there---”

Both Cullen and Varric shushed Bull into silence.

“So then we got it into our heads that maybe we could make it work somehow. Goaded him for weeks to let us try. Eventually we wore him down. We had it all planned in advance, the next fight we got into we’d give it a go. We’re in the middle of nowhere when we come across these bandits and…the rogue and I plough straight in we’re just too excited to get this happening.”

Varric chortled, “I’d have paid good money to see this.”

“You and the rogue both,” she told him with a bemused grin. “So Rogue and my job is to pick someone out and keep them distracted, targeting us. Qunari would then charge them from behind. And it was actually working too,” she said, covering her face as she remembered whatever it was that happened next.

“What went wrong?” Cullen eventually asked, bringing her back to the fireside.

“Oh, so the bandit turned just before Qunari got to him, but it was too late to stop the charge. Instead of sticking him, the horns ended up piercing his armour. When Qunari raised his head back up, the bandit was hanging from his horns a foot or two from the ground.

Thankfully he’d dropped his weapon, but he’s busy dangling there like a puppet that Qunari is swinging about, and I mean _swinging_. He was busy trying to shake the guy off while the bandit’s busy yelling ‘Get off me,’ and such,” she gave Cullen a quick look at this, making it obvious the language was a lot more colourful but she’d toned it down on his account.

“Meanwhile Rogue is on the ground laughing his arse off, I’m barely holding it together. The only other two bandits still alive, bless them, race over to grab a leg of their comrade each, lifting him up and off Qunari’s horns, only to then all collapse under the weight of their friend,” she finished, giggling at the memory while the others openly laughed at the story.

“See if I put shit like that in my book, people would say it was too far-fetched to be believable,” Varric moaned.

Bull snorted. “It’s plausible, more so than some of you fight scenes…not that you’d catch me charging an enemy again after the last time.”

For some reason this had Ellana laughing even more, before she wiped her eyes and said, “Tell them about the last time.”

And so they told stories of their more entertaining exploits. Cullen even managed to pull out one or two more entertaining anecdotes from happier times. He noted that Ellana didn’t tell any more, she just curled her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees and listened contentedly, with a smile that didn’t quite seem to reach her eyes.

Her eyes had closed and he thought she was sleeping, until they snapped back open with alarm at Cole’s words, “An endless tomb, an endless winter. Afterlife bleaker than imagined.”

She turned to him then. “It’s time you went and found her,” she told him, seeming surprised by his look of incomprehension. “The Herald, go find the Herald,” she told him more blatantly.

“The Herald lives?” Varric asked no one in particular. “Won’t that make the story of Haven that much more pleasant to tell.”

“I’m sure you’ll help the advisors make it into quite the heroic tale,” she told him softly, remembering it had felt anything but, the story preferable to the reality. She looked back over at Cullen. “What are you sitting around for? Cole will guide the way,” she told him.

Cullen hadn’t planned on going to find the Herald himself. Though she was by no means his favourite person, he had intended to continue his watch of Ellana and send Rylen and a small crew to follow the lead. He didn’t think Ellana would try anything so stupid as back at the Chantry again, but he wasn’t ready to test the merits of that conviction just yet.

“Maker, do you want her to freeze to death?” she asked.

“Of course not,” he answered immediately, then realizing the question and answer were aloud, wandered why she asked about herself in third person, but she didn’t give him chance to voice the question.

“Hurry along then, can’t keep the Herald waiting,” she told him with a shooing motion before turning away from him, much as she had done back in the Chantry.

He hadn’t liked her dismissal then, and liked it even less now, but Cole was already by his side, flitting in and out with his eagerness to be moving.

Feeling somewhat put upon as the others around the fire slowly started to look in his direction, he pulled himself to his feet. “Don’t suppose any of you’d care to join me?” he asked them, not surprised when their gazes moved away from him.

He thought he heard Ellana give a small gasp as though her injuries had caused her pain, but when he glanced in her direction, she looked much the same as before, steadfastly not looking at him.

Sighing, he followed Cole, gathering some of his men along the way to go in search of the Herald.

~~~

Ellana waited until the search party had left the camp before making her way to the tents, having asked one of the soldiers nearby which one she could use. She knew she should probably go to the healers' tent, but that was too close to where the Herald would be taken.

She could go see Solas, see if he could aid healing her legs, something she should have thought of back in Haven. To be fair, she was so used to him always being at the closing of the Breach that it hadn’t actually occurred to her that he wouldn’t be there, even though she had been told it was Sera, Cassandra and Vivienne that had gone with the Herald.

But for now, she wasn’t ready to face him just yet. It may have been lifetimes ago, but she could still feel the ache of that last confrontation when they had been lovers. _“My love…I will never forget you.”_ Years of bad nights' sleep, haunted by the dread wolf in her dreams, but without ever being able to approach him. And that was also the lifetime of Val Chevin.

She shook herself, forcing the thoughts from her. Now was not the time to think of any of that. She needed to rest, they still had a long way to go, a long march ahead and right now she had no idea what she would do at the end of it, only that she needed to endure keeping to her own company until then, and for now get as much sleep as events would allow.

Woken some hours later to the sound of the hymn being sung, she listened, but did not rise. Told herself she was tired and should go back to sleep, that it was the cold, that snow landed on her face and melted to trickle down her cheeks, that her family was not hers, but the Herald’s, their hearts not hers but the Herald’s, that it would all hurt less in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Cullen hadn’t slept well the night before. Yes, they’d found the Herald safe and sound, but they’d also argued. They’d come together in song, but…something just didn’t feel right to him. He’d returned to the fire hoping…not hoping, only expecting, to find Ellana, but she wasn’t there. None of the group were, so he couldn’t ask them where she had gone to. It niggled at him, and he wasn’t sure why.

He reminded himself over and over that he doubted she had gone off to die again, and if she had, well it would be impossible to find her now if she’d gone any further than the shelter the overhang provided. The snow was almost an impenetrable force, and without knowing for certain she was out there, it was better not to risk additional lives in a search.

Thankfully, most of his worry had been for naught as he saw her in the breakfast line the next morning. She scooped such a small amount of food that he felt himself bristling again.

“ _I’m not stealing a spot”_

“ _I’m not taking it from someone else who deserves it more!"_

Her words from the Chantry taunted him. He was already on his way over to force a decent meal on her when she looked up like a deer startled by a broken twig. Acted like one too as she turned and skittered between the people nearby, and he lost sight of her completely in moments.

He found her again as the party was preparing to leave. She was standing beside one of the wagons, her arm on the side rail, and even from here he could tell she was using it as a crutch.

"Ready to depart?" he asked, ready to return to their usual walking position.

She looked up at him innocently, but he didn't quite believe it, it seemed too well planned, prepared even. "It's okay, you can go ahead with the Herald and advisors. I'll make my way with the wagon," she told him with a too cheery smile.

It was the third time in as many days that she was dismissing him. He should be happy, it was one less thing for him to worry about, he told himself. It wasn't like they were going a fast pace, she could most likely keep up with the wagon.

And yet he still found himself looking over his shoulder to check on her. Her show of strength had either been an act or she'd assumed she had more strength than she had as she'd had to stop for a rest, falling back to the next wagon when it came alongside and continuing on.

Not even a couple of hours later and she was doing the same again, falling back to the next wagon. At this rate she'd be dropping behind their last wagon by lunchtime!

He fell back, making his way over to her easily. "May I be of assistance?" he asked, a little too pleasantly.

"No, I'm fine," she said, though her jaw was tight and he could see signs of sweat around her hairline.

He raised a brow. "It's no trouble," he offered again.

"No really, I'm fine. You should be with the Herald," she told him again.

Deciding another tack, he walked with her a while, not aiding her, just keeping pace with the wagon.

Her struggle was becoming more and more pronounced, and he could see her glancing back at the next wagon, getting the distinct impression she would have taken the break and waited till it reached her had he not been there.

"Really, I'm quite alright," she told him, he guessed in an attempt to get him to leave so she could do just that.

"I've no doubt," he replied conversationally. "You may have been forced to _steal_ a place _on_ the wagon rather than beside it if you weren't," he added goadingly.

"Arse," she retorted.

"You're not allowed to use the same name twice," he teased, "It's no fun if you just recycle the same names over and over." A moment ago he wasn't sure why he was spending time with someone who so clearly didn't want him to, but suddenly it felt the most right thing in the world again, not least of all because he felt like he could wear her down now, make her see reason.

"Arrogant nug."

"Stubborn mule," he replied easily.

She scoffed. "You're calling _me_ stubborn?"

"No, I was talking about the mule hauling the wagon," he replied, face serious.

She was so surprised by the comeback that she stopped, letting go of the wagon as she burst with laughter, causing him to grin. Until she fell to her knees.

And then she was glaring at him and he was glad she wasn't a mage because he was pretty sure any spell cast with that amount of rage would have likely killed him. "Now look what you've gone and done?"

"Me?" he asked, pulling back the hand that he'd only just outstretched to help her up.

"Yes you! I was perfectly fine walking with the wagon, but nooo, you couldn't leave well enough alone," she seethed.

He suddenly understood exactly what was wrong, though he highly doubted she'd appreciate that it was her baring her teeth that had made him see it. She was in pain - a lot of it - so much so that the most basic animal instincts of keeping someone that may injure her further had kicked in. The bared teeth were just like the injured mabari back in Haven, ready to take your arm off rather than let you touch its injured leg.

"You're hurt," he said gently, arms up as they had been when approaching the mabari.

"No shit, I told you that back at the Chantry, glad it's finally sunk in," she snapped back.

Maker, at least the mabari's low growl had subsided quickly compared to her venting.

"I'll help you to a healer," he soothed gently.

She eyed him warily for a time before asking, "Which one?"

He looked around quickly and said the first one he spotted. " Vivienne?" he asked. He almost laughed at her expression it was similar to what his probably looked like at the mention of the woman. Yes, she was an extremely powerful and well-connected mage. But she also came across as a little too frosty for Cullen's tastes.

He looked around again. Adan wouldn't have supplies that could help, that only left, "I could bring Solas?"

She chewed her lip, looked at her legs, looked at yet another wagon passing her by. "Would...would you stay? While he..." she trailed off.

Up until that moment he'd hardly thought she liked him at all. Now she was asking him to be her protector? She was one of Leliana's agents, so he highly doubted it was actual fear of the elf...but then what was it? "If you'd like," he replied, using the same gentle voice from before.

She chewed her lip again, seeming to toy with the idea, but finally nodded.

He helped her up so she could walk with the next wagon (only one more behind it) and then left to bring Solas. He wasn't certain, but he thought he heard her murmur, "Maker preserve me," as he left.


	4. Healings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updates. Mild insomnia and being super busy followed by being slack and still insomnia :(
> 
> To make it a little simpler, I'll be using game dialogue for previous lives, so that if I need to do flashbacks later, they can be told apart thanks to not being the direct game dialogue...or at least that's the plan.

Ellana ran her hand through her hair. This was by far the stupidest idea she'd had in a long time. Having the man who held her heart stay with her while the man that broke it healed her? What was she thinking? Clearly, the pain had pushed her through into insanity and she hadn't noticed in time.

The situation was only made worse as Solas needed to see the extent of the damage to her legs. The rest of the group had stopped for lunch a way ahead, giving them time and a little privacy. They brought a cot for her to sit on, and a blanket. She removed her trousers and wrapped the blanket around while they looked away, sitting down with her legs out along the cot and clearing her throat to let them know she was ready...or as ready as she could be.

Solas knelt down beside her, his expression calm and neutral as always. He slowly moved the blanket up her legs until it was bundled near the tops of her thighs, his face growing angrier and angrier with each bandage he pulled away. "You should have brought her to me immediately after it happened," he growled.

Ellana had to bite her lip to stop the giggle at Cullen's face at the comment.

"Me? How is this my fault?" he demanded.

Solas turned to glare at him for a moment. "One of your soldiers has their legs nearly burned off and you thought what? The apostate mage is still too risky to help save her legs before they need to be amputated?"

Colour drained from her face. She hadn't realized quite how severe the problem was, that that could have been a possibility.

Cullen stared at Solas incredulously. "She's not one of my soldiers, she's one of Leliana's agents," he spat back. "I've been doing my damndest to keep her alive for the last three days so I'd appreciate it if you could do your small part of helping to heal her legs."

"Yes, such a small part to completely reconstruct a woman's legs," Solas retorted.

This was becoming a pissing contest. She'd known the two had never become friendly, but this was ridiculous. "Alright, the pair of you. You've both done a lot, but could we please get a move on so I can get my trousers back on?" That struck the mark as both men turned crimson.

Cullen turned slightly, rubbing the back of his neck while Solas took a deep breath, his face becoming composed once more. "This may hurt a little. You must relax, do not fight against the magic or it cannot work," he told her, placing his hands on her knees and she saw the familiar healing light pool there and into her.

She gasped. His magic was too familiar, too personal, too connected to everything that happened before.

_They're in Haven.  Before it was destroyed. "It seems you hold the key to our salvation. You had sealed it with a gesture...and right then, I felt the whole world change," Solas said gently._

_"Felt the whole world change?" she asked, feeling butterflies in her stomach._

_"A figure of speech."_

_She smiled, taking a step closer. "I'm aware of the metaphor. I'm more interested in "felt"."_

_"You change...everything." The sheer honesty in his words made her heart race._

_"Sweet talker," she said, grasping at her courage and moving to kiss him. He pulled away quickly and she thought maybe she'd misread everything, pulling away, wanting distance to try clear her head. She'd barely taken a step when he pulled her back, kissing her so thoroughly her head was spinning._

_The scene dissolved and she was standing on her balcony in Skyhold. A longing to be back there pulled at her stomach._

_"Perhaps that is it. I suppose it must be. Most people act with little understanding of the world," he told her, pausing for a moment before adding, "But not you."_

_"So what does this mean?" she asked, unsure where all his questions were leading._

_His smile was so warm and bright it near blinded her. "It means I have not forgotten the kiss."_

_The butterflies had returned, as had her heart racing. "Good," was all she said before moving to stand in front of him. She didn't want to be the one to make the first move this time, needing to hold her hands behind her back to stop herself from grasping at him. He shook his head slightly, turning to go. She quickly grabbed his arm, "Don't go."_

_He paused but did not turn. "It would be kinder in the long run. But losing you would..." And then he was kissing her with such fever that all thoughts slipped away._

_"Ar lath ma, vhenan," he whispered as he left, sending her spirit soaring._

_Another balcony, not hers, not even Skyhold. It was night, and before she could fully realize where this memory was, his voice cuts in, "Come, before the band stops playing, dance with me."_

_"I'd love to," she replies, taking his hand before being swooped into her arms._

"No," she gasps out, trying to force the memories down, sweat beading her forehead at the effort. "Solas, stop."

Solas doesn't even look up, unwilling to break his focus. "I told you, you need to endure the pain, don't fight the magic."

She gives a small whimper as her own control slips, and she plunges back into memories.

_The clearing is quiet and serenely calm with the small lake beside them. "Ar lasa mala revas. You are free," he tells her, having finished the spell. "You are so beautiful," he tells her, drawing her in for a kiss._

_It ends all too soon though as he pulls away, looking sad suddenly. "And I am sorry. I distracted you from your duty. It will never happen again."_

_She doesn't miss the 'never', and somehow she knows immediately what he is saying. "Solas..."_

_He moves away from her outstretched hand. "Please, vhenan," moving back further as she takes a step toward him._

_"Solas...don't leave me. Not now. I love you," she's holding the tears back, but only just._

_"You have a rare and marvellous spirit," he says with a sad smile. "In another world---"_

_"Why not this one?" she cuts him off._

_He just shakes his head. "I can't. I'm sorry." And then he's gone._

_But then they're standing on the broken stone, Corypheus defeated and Solas bending to pick something up._

_"Solas?" she asks._

_"The orb," he says by way of explanation._

_She licks her lips, having not had the opportunity to speak with him privately since the clearing. "I know you wanted the orb saved. I'm so sorry."_

_She isn't sure what his expression is as he replies, "It is not_ _**your** _ _fault."_

_And the emphasis isn't lost on her, not hers, but he knows whose. "There's more, isn't there?"_

_"It was not supposed to happen this way. No matter what comes, I want you to know what we had was real."_

_It was real? Does that mean they could start over, and then Cassandra is calling her and when she looks back, he's gone._

_And she's on the steps at Skyhold. She was holding back tears again, but she knew Lel of all people could read her too easily for it to matter that she was trying to hide her feelings. "I just don't understand, he didn't even say goodbye."_

Cullen sees tears trickling down her cheeks, her knuckles are white where she grips them on the cot, and yet she doesn't have that tell-tale crease on her forehead of physical pain. "Something's wrong," Cullen speaks, though it goes unheard. "Solas, you need to st---"

And then she speaks in a croaked whisper, cutting off his words. "Ma vhenan ghilana mir din'an, Fen'Harel."

Solas snaps his hands away and falls back as though she had physically shoved him away from her.

Ellana gasps for breath, looking up at Cullen to try regain her focus, but it's all still whirling and swirling around her.

_Walking down a narrow side street with Harding. She was in the area anyway, she didn't mind going with the dwarf to follow the lead, but it was not what she expected at all._

She turns to the side and retches. There was so little in her stomach anyway that soon she's just heaving bile

She feels someone's hand on her back, rubbing it gently. Knows it must be Cullen. Her vision is blurry and takes a few blinks to clear it. Her hand is placed around his canteen, and she rinses her mouth before taking a couple of sips before finally turning to them.

Solas is still staring at her, though his expression is closed once again. Cullen is staring too, but his look is clearly one of concern.

Until he turned to face Solas. "What did you do?"

Solas met Cullen's anger with his own. "Me? I simply did what _**you**_ asked me to do, attempt to heal her legs."

"Enough, both of you. It was just a bad reaction to the magic. It doesn't matter now that my legs are..." she trailed off as she glanced down at her legs, feeling her stomach rolling at the very thought of having to go through that again seeing as the worst of the damage was gone, but her legs were by no means fully healed.

She licked dry lips. "It's fine...we'll just sort it once we get to Skyhold," she told them, grabbing her trousers to pull them up, aware both men had taken in the damage that remained as she had.

"Once we get where?" Cullen asked, distracted at how injured her legs still looked.

Shit, thought Ellana. Why could she not just keep her mouth shut. "Get out of the cold numpty. No point fixing my legs only to freeze them off." The slight of tongue worked on Cullen, but Solas wasn't fooled. She knew he'd want to talk about how she knew their destination, even by name, but also her 'reaction to his magic'.

She didn't feel ready to spend even a minute alone with him right now, and it wasn't exactly like they could discuss either with an audience.

Which was exactly why she needed to stay near Cullen, just so long as it took to reach one of the others. That shouldn't be too difficult, should it?

~~~

Apparently, it should. For a start, the healing had been the equivalent of extraneous exercise on her poor legs. Where they had been in too much pain to keep going before, now they twitched with fatigue, and she had to clench her jaw tight as Cullen caught her at every stumble.

Each time he would raise a brow at her, offering his arm and she, in turn, would glare at the offending appendage until he dropped it back to his side until her next stumble. Even she knew she was being childish at the fifth occurrence and he flicked his finger along his eyebrow to cover the long-suffering sigh he gave at her response.

"Fine," she said after the seventh. He gave her a sickly innocent curious look. "I'll...accept your help. But only for a little stretch," she added as he gave her a victorious smile and held out his arm once more.

It was all at once intensely comforting and yet painful to be in so familiar a position with him without being able to just curl her head onto his upper arm to share a hushed conversation. She snapped her head away, realizing it was halfway there without her permission.

Looking around, she couldn't see any of the others. And then, like a beacon of hope, she spotted Lel. She quickened her pace, though it was difficult trying to both drag Cullen faster as well as use his arm as a crutch.

"Lel," she called when they were a little closer.

Leliana turned and seeing her, beamed as she brought Ellana into a short hug. "I'm glad you made it further than you expected," she murmured into Ellana's ear before drawing away.

As they pulled apart, Ellana stepped back to take Cullen's arm again, causing Leliana to raise a brow at the intimate looking position.

Without a single thought Ellana spoke, "Sorry, I'm forgetting my manners. This is Commander Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition military..." and then her mind caught up with her mouth and she felt her cheeks flaming. "As you well know."

Leliana covered her mouth to hide her smile, while Cullen gave a cough that was probably hiding a laugh. "Yes, I do believe I've met the Commander," Leliana teased.

"Why don't rifts ever pop up when you need them?" Ellana cringed, covering her face with her free hand.

"She had a bad reaction to Solas healing her legs," Cullen said by way of explanation. "Not that she seemed entirely reasonable before that," he couldn't help but add.

Leliana frowned at that. "What sort of bad reaction?" she asked, clearly addressing Cullen.

"I'm standing right here," Ellana reminded her.

Leliana eyed her. "Would you give me a proper answer if I addressed the question to you?" she asked.

Her eyes flicked to Cullen and then back to Leliana. "Not...presently, no." She could feel Cullen's muscles tense slightly under her hand.

"As I expected," Leliana said, turning back to Cullen. "Well?"

Cullen cleared his throat. "It...appeared to cause her...emotional distress...a lot of it." His gaze was focused on Leliana, and she could tell he was deliberately not looking at her, even as she turned to face him at his words. "She said something to Solas in Elven? If I didn't already know she wasn't a mage, I would think she'd cast a small blast at him."

She hadn't given much thought about what she was until he mentioned it. She didn't need to focus hard to be aware of the lack of magic within her. She missed the feeling a little. Missed knowing she was never weaponless, and Maker wouldn't it be easier being a mage than a warrior or rogue given her still slightly crippled status?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know there is a place that does Elven translations but when I was writing this my VPN was down, so I did a play around for the one original line in here. From the lovely DA Wiki, I got the following:
> 
> Ma ghilana mir din'an: Guide me into death.  
> vhenan: heart.
> 
> So "Ma vhenan ghilana mir din'an, Fen'Harel." is my way of her saying 'You're guiding my heart to death, Fen'Harel', or in other words 'You're breaking my heart, Fen'Harel'  
> My thoughts being it's the use of his name more so than what was said that caused such a reaction from him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm blaming/thanking _onlyfrequency_ for getting me starting posting this. Will try post every three days for this one...if it's slowing down it's probably because I don't have enough Stabiliser incentive reading xD


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